Yours truly, Ellie Nash
by orange crush3
Summary: Think you know everything? Do you think you know her? Step inside the mind of Ellie Nash. Her journal is open: read her world. You think you know? You have
1. Default Chapter

Hello and welcome to this story. This is a companion story to "For the last time", but you don't have to have read it to make sense of this one. Somehow you have managed to stumble across it, so do your best to read along and stuff. And don't forget to review!

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So now that I'm seeing a guidance counselor and all, she wants me to keep a journal. Apparently somehow this will help me on my "road to happy recovery" or something like that. When she talks I can't always listen; I mean, with Paige on my back I can't really think of anything but wonder what I'll come home to. 

OK, so I guess I should start this out with stuff about me, right? Well, I'm 15 years old, blonde, popular, and I'm a cheerleader. My boyfriend is the lead football player. My biggest problem is if my nails don't match my outfit, or if they break. 

See? Did you believe me there for a second? Yeah, I thought you might. My problems go way deeper than that. But for the whole thing, I think we have to start at the beginning. Way at the beginning. Like, 10 years ago, when I was 5. 

I was a happy kid. My mom would braid my (bright red) hair and say that it was beautiful, and tell me that I had the cutest freckles. I was a daddy's girl at heart though; we would spend hours out in the park playing catch. He taught me how to play baseball, guitar, how to catch a fish, not to be afraid of spiders… so much. 

When I was about 6, my parents went to a party and left me with a babysitter. I was still up waiting for them at 2 in the morning, and when they came in to say good night, I could smell the alcohol on their breath. That was only the beginning of what I call the Hell of my life. 

After that, my parents would spend days just drinking. I was often told to go to a friend's house. 

I had a best friend. Her name was Carly. In grade 2, we sat together and made friendship bracelets together at lunch-time. We always switched lunches; she wanted my lunchables and I wanted her homemade sandwiches with peanut butter and jam. Her mom started to baby-sit me after school when my mom had to work late; she was a secretary. My mom, I mean, not Carly's mom. She [Carly's mom] stayed at home to take care of Carly and her baby brother Andrew.

After one particularly long night when my mom didn't pick me up, Carly's mom came over. She was yelling, and I hid in my room. I heard something about _lazy, cheap ass parents who didn't take care of their kid, drunks, get help…_ I was worried.

Shortly after that we moved. Daddy stopped drinking, but mom didn't. Daddy got a job as a pilot and was away a lot, and when he was gone, she would make me do all the chores. Fun, fun, fun.

We never had that close mother-daughter relationship. Never will, either… 

I want to scream. Marco, I love him to death, but he's all happy I'm-in-love-with-Dylan, and he either hangs out with Dylan or is talking about him. And Ash sits and wonders what she did wrong with Craig. It's like she has nothing bigger to worry about than a boy.

Well, my lunch period is almost over, and I want to end this soon. Is this a letter? A journal entry? Let's call this a letter and I'll sign it and be done with it. 

Yours truly, 

Ellie Nash 


	2. The sounds of school

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Hey, it's me. Just wanted to thank emma, musikchik, shooting-starzz-4, PsYcHoJo (I hate school, eurgh… need I say more?) and punk-anjewl for reviewing. Thanks a bunch and remember to review this chapter!

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Thump. Thump. Thump. Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpity. Click. Smack. Giggle. 

That is what a 15-year-old girl sounds like. She walked down the stairs, and then did a perky little hop down the last three. She's happy. You know the type? The popular ones. The ones that see you in the corner of the second floor stairwell and look at you funny, like they've never seen you before, but really, they're the kind that walked in on you with… well really who cares about that now. She's standing at the bottom of the stairs now, with her fluffy pink makeup bag and matching pink pen, and a set of tinker bell notebooks in tow. She's obviously waiting for someone. 

Oh, wait, she's walking and talking now. Boyfriend and best friend beside her, they engage in a detailed conversation about the Christmas dance that's coming up. Sorry, pardon me, the winter snow ball. She's planning on wearing a red dress. No, says her friend. Black and white are the colours of the season. But red and green are Christmas… Oh no! A crisis. 

Pondering that thought, the boyfriend declares he's not coming to the dance. This earns him a playful smack on the arm. After pretending to cry, he gets a kiss. Teenage hormones disgust me. Or maybe that's just him, I can't decide. Because I _did_ seem into the whole dating thing when it was Marco and me. 

The lovely girl, the boyfriend and the best friend have moved on… and passing by me is my best friend. Oh, wait, she's not alone. She's with her boyfriend. They're wearing matching shoes. I shrink back into the corner. How can I let her see me? He leans over, he's behind her, and puts his head on her shoulder. She giggles. Giggles, what a word. Almost like yay. Teenage girls definitely invented those words because I have never heard a guy say yay! In my life.

They're also talking about the winter ball. I have never seen a high school so obsessed with a dance. Maybe it's just me, though. Marco asked me why I'm, quote, always such a pessimist. Me? A pessimist? Never, never. 

The bell is ringing. Don't you love that, how you say something in present tense when it's done? The bell, even when I wrote that, had stopped, yet I still felt the need to say, the bell is ringing. I think that's so bizarre, although that's probably just me. Everybody's scampering through the halls to get to class in time. 

I have math now. I hate math. I'm more of an artsy type of person, cause it bothers me that there's only one right answer. Two plus two always equals four, no matter how hard you try to prove it wrong. No matter how far you go in the world, you will never find another right answer. Ash says that she feel comforted by that same fact. It's bizarre how she finds that being there comfort. Can you find solace in the fact that 5 times five is always 25? 

Oh, no. Oh no. When you hear the click clack of high heels in an empty school hall, it means only one thing. A teacher, a guidance counselor, a principal…. 

Yours truly, Ellie Nash. 

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Hey, thanks for reading and I have a challenge for you! Yes, you. I find that I'm sort of bad at writing summaries, and summaries are what draws people to the story, so I would really really like it if some of you submitted your summary, first mane, and appearance, and you will get a cameo in the story if I pick your summary. Thanks a bunch,

Rhian 


	3. Ahh, Sauve

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Hey again. Thanks for the reviews. As you may have noticed, there is a new summary up. Jamie's is the one that is up, but thanks to Emma too for submitting one. You will both be in the story…eventually. I'm not exactly sure when; I'm thinking next chapter. OK? OK. 

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Aww, shit. I knew I was right when I said it was a staff member walking through the hall, but little did I know exactly how right I was. 

With the full make-up'd face, fake red lips, in all her high heel glory, came Miss Sauve. And really, what more can I say about her? She gave me a pouty face and told me to come to her office. A scrawny grade 9 guy was sitting on the couch waiting, but she told him to go to class. Why do I get the privilege of first class guidance counselor? 

"Ellie," she started. I just stood and stared at her in the doorway with a blank face. "Sit down," she gestured to the couch, poufy chair, and one of those desks with a plastic chair attached to it. I sat at the desk, putting my combat boot-clad feet on the table.

"You were skipping class."

"Yeah, I was." I have to wonder, why would she play stupid on me? I know and she knows that I was skipping.

"You were sitting in the bottom of the stairwell."

"Yes, I was."

"Are you OK?"

"Is there a point to this questioning?" 

At this point, Ms. Sauve stopped pacing the room. She stopped dead in front of me, looking me straight in the eye. I could actually see emotion; emotion isn't something I want to see in somebody I have to keep my cool around. 

"Ellie, can't you try to open yourself up? We've been through this 6 times already. Six times I've sat with you, and you hardly said a word."

"I don't like to talk to people I don't know that well."

"Well, who would you like to talk about your problems with? Perhaps I could call your friend Marco down, and we could tell him how you like to cut yourself open. And then we could talk about your parents, and-" She was interrupted by me getting up to leave. I was about to kill her, suggesting I tell Marco. She was such a bitch. I could've killed her right then and there (ok, I had a weapon, so what?). 

"Ellie, I was kidding, come back!" 

"Fuck you."

"Excuse me?"

"What, you didn't hear me?" I walked right next to her and put my head close to hers." FUCK YOU." 

"Young lady, you have no right to talk to me that way. I am your elder, and I deserve respect. You young people-" 

"Yeah, Sauve? Us young people, what, exactly? I'm here because I have problems I'm supposed to be solving, not because I want to hear some old lady rant about kids these days."

"Ellie, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Do you think you could come in this afternoon?"

"After school?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, I don't know, I might be busy," I lied. "My mom might be having company."

"Oh." The ends of her mouth turned down, like the way a kindergartner draws a sad face. "Come in if you can, though."

"Yeah, bye."

She shut the door on me, and while I knew she trusted me to go to class, I didn't. Digging around in my purse, I felt my dad's old jack knife. My security blanket. I sighed, and silently cursed Paige for finding out. 

And now I'm here. The park bench now has some lovely obscenities carved into it, as well as a girl drawn, with pain in her eyes. Yeah, unoriginal, but that's what I wanted to draw. I hate it. I don't want to go home. It's 3 o'clock, and people should be home now from school. I wonder if Sauve is gonna send anyone after me, eh? That would sure be interesting. Hell, why would she send someone after me?

Till later, yours truly,

Ellie Nash 

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you may have noticed that some of the stuff was written in present tense. This is actually the second draft of this chapter; the first was just ellie going, "I had a fight with ms sauve. I think this one's better. Remember to review, mmk? 


	4. everybody will know

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Thanks for reading and reviewing chapter 3, the actual new summary is up. Did everybody watch I want Candy? Personally, I thought it had a crappy ending….but that's just what I think. I can't wait till "Our House", which is next. My sister's in that one, and I know a bunch about the show. (Where and why Sean's moving (oops), who he's moving in with) Fun. Anyway. 

PsYcHoJo- Hah! Old bat- I was actually modeling her after the guidance counselor at my school, who, thankfully, I don't have to see because she very much scares me. With her suggesting she tell Marco, I guess she's just frustrated that Ellie's not talking to her. And plus, Marco and…a friend…have also been asking Sauve for tips on…well, you'll see. What with not knowing where to go, I was looking back, and with my estimation, in my story I have exactly 2 months for a whole load of stuff to fall down in Ellie's life. Ha, that's a lot of chapters, but not a lot of time. As for you, don't worry about following the show. I know I'm going to have at least 2 or three episodes that just aired happen before Valentine's Day. Don't push yourself to include episodes. 

Jamie- Hah, it's you! Depending on how much I ramble on about everything in this chapter, you (this sounds so weird to say!) will be coming in probably next chapter. I know, I know that's what I said last time, but I need to ask you something. Would you mind if you had, like, an issue? I'm thinking of possibly making you one of Ellie's friends that she meets in Sauve's office- would that be ok? 

And also a thanks to punk-anjewl and emma for reviewing. J 

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Lovely. Just lovely. I'm about to admit to myself that I can trust Ms. Sauve, when she goes and does something completely uncalled for. Granted, she's probably done to everybody else that's come to her, but somehow it feels different to be on the receiving line of it. 

Before I go on, I should explain to anybody who's ever going to read this that every time a really serious problem and goes to the guidance counselor for help, she posts it on our school website. Not in a totally obvious way, she doesn't name names or anything, but she puts it on the guidance page. Paige, Ashley, Hazel and I (well, at least, before I started going to the park at lunch) used to theorize about who the person was that had that problem. And now, with me on the website, it probably won't take too long for them to find. Oh, that and the fact that Paige, the gossip queen of the school, knows about me.

Enh, I'm not really really bothered, but what can I say? This isn't about the attention. This isn't about the counseling. This is about me, and what I'm doing. I hope nobody else tells Marco cause I would hate to see him hurt. Not that when I tell him if won't hurt him, but you know, it's different. It really, really is. 

After I waited at the park for a while, I watched the kids in the primary school across from the park come out of school. It was nice, seeing them all come and laugh and play in the snow. It's sort of hard to believe people like Spinner and Marco and me and Ashley and everybody else was that young once. 

I walked home and of course it was the usual, I'm not going to waste paper and time on something that's never going to change. I, being the perfect teenager I could be, tossed my english assignment in the paper recycle bin and turned on my computer. Ashley was on and was all, "How come you didn't come to class this afternoon?" I told her I had an appointment, and then said I had to go. 

So I'm sitting in my room minding my own business when Paige, of all people Paige, calls me. 

"Ellie, I know you didn't have an appointment this afternoon." Great. "Ellie, I know you're not OK." No shit, sherlock. It doesn't take a ton of analyzing to figure that out. "Great, Paige. Did we have any homework from MI lab today?" We didn't. After she lectured me on the benefits of getting help she decided she had to go. Like I cared. 

It was a pretty normal night last night and then a pretty normal day today. Whatever you can actually call normal. Except for the slight fact that Sauve called me down to her office. It was during 2nd period, english, and Paige gave me this look. Like, an I'm-watching-you kid of look. We talked about stuff (I'm feeling lazy, plus it was nothing major, so I'm not gonna rewrite what we talked about). It was mostly about people, and my friends, and my family. I was thinking about telling her about Tory, but I couldn't bring myself to. She told me to come in tomorrow to meet some people. She'll call me down. 

I stayed at school for the whole day. Marco shared his pizza with me, cause I forgot to bring money. He's such a sweetie. I love him to death and can't imagine telling him about the whole cutting thing. 

So it was this afternoon when I saw the new website addition in the guidance department. 

"A cut. A scab. A drip of blood. Some people look at these signs as an accident; others turn away and hope they heal soon. But could they be a sign of self injury?" 

I am _so_ dead, now everybody is going to know and Paige is going to be the winner of it all. I hate her.

Yours truly,

Ellie Nash 


	5. meeting new people

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Welcome to, what is it, chapter 5? That's good! I have a half day today- I'm home and it's only one in the afternoon. Enh. 

Jamie- Thanks! OK, I hope what I do isn't too harming to you- just kidding. Sort of. I mean definitely. Definitely kidding, I mean, I think. I'm even confusing myself so I'll shut up now. Anyway. I just hope you enjoy being friends with everybody.

Cindy and Emma- I wouldn't think it's that a big deal. I mean, it's more meant to make other people aware of what's going on around them. Nonetheless, I still don't agree with it. I also noticed on the degrassi website (www.degrassi.tv_) they have a guidance department and shortly after "whisper to a scream" happened they had a thing about cutting. Speaking of the website, if you're registered, my handle is bassgirl and you can add me as your friend. This goes for anybody. _

PsychoJo- ahh! I think you got cut off- but from what I gather you dislike people who pretend to care but really couldn't give a shit. No? whatever. 

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"Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption, but will Ellie Nash, Jamie Smith, Sean Cameron, and Marco Del Rossi please come to the guidance office now? Thanks." Oh, shit. I think these are the "people she wants to meet". This was in first period. I was in english, and Marco was in MI I think, or maybe phys ed. I was the first one to get down to Sauve's office, weird. She pointed to the couch specifically and told me to sit and stay. Like I was some sort of dog. Marco came in next, and he's the one I would classify as a dog. Not as a trainable dog, but like an adorable puppy you can't resist. I still get so girly around him, not really acting but just the way he makes me feel inside. Like, happy, and like I have nothing to worry about. Anyway. 

He came and sat next to me as Sauve stood outside her door. 

"Do you know what this is about?" he whispered.

"No," I whispered back. 

Then, the door opened and a girl poked her head in. It was this girl who I've seen around before, I think she was in my phys ed. last year. I didn't really remember her until Sauve introduced us all. 

While Marco fiddled with the drawstring on his hoodie and Jamie curled herself up into the smallest ball possible on the couch and I doodled on my jeans, Miss Sauve went to the office and made another announcement for Sean to come down. 

[insert apology for present tense from now on] 

As he came down, Miss Sauve set up a circle table with 5 chairs around it. "Sit," she instructed. We all did, and around the circle it was me, Marco, Jamie, Sauve and Sean. I was beside the two boys. 

"Do you know what you are here for?" we all shook our heads and stared at her. It was like some sort of horrible version of the Breakfast Club, except that was a good movie. "You look normal. You appear normal. But you have problems."

She then went on to tell us that she was trying a new thing, and that we were her "guinea pigs". She said that she was going to try a group-therapy thing. Woot woot. This sounds like something out of an old 80's movies. 

Although I can't say I object. I mean, this is class that I get to miss and this is like psychology which I'm also interested in. When she asked us if we had any questions, one totally sprang to mind.

"How did you get into doing this? Counseling? Do you like seeing other people's problems? Does if make you feel more….normal, perhaps?" I honestly was wondering, and I guess it might have come out in an attacking tone, cause everybody stared at me like I grew another head. She started rambling on about helping others and doing well for society, and helping kids. 

She also told us that we don't have to talk about anything we don't want to. We'll also have individual counseling sessions with her. 

I can't wait. 

Tomorrow we're coming back and actually starting, there might be some more people joining but she doesn't know for sure. 

Marco's sort of freaked out about talking to people. He won't tell me what he's supposed to talk about but I have a feeling it's about him being gay. I hope everything turns out all right. 

Sean, I don't know what he would be going for guidance for. I guess I'm going to just have to wait till he tells me. Or until it's posted on the website. Same with that Jamie girl. Nice but quiet. 

Sort of like here, at home. I'm out of reach of my CD player but it's nice for once to have some quiet times and peace for myself to think. Daddy's supposed to come home for the holidays, and mom will probably get up off her ass and be nice. I hope so. I hope everything works out. Later on tonight, I'm meeting Marco-and-Dylan (even though neither has asked the other out yet! When people ask they're "friends". It's funny, they both totally flirt with each other. Lucky.) and Ashley-and-Craig (a/n because this is before holiday and she doesn't know) and Paige-and-Spinner even though they both totally annoy the heck out of me. Wish me luck!

Yours truly, 

Ellie Nash.

****_A/N I was just going to end this here, but I decided that because last time's entry was a little short, I'd add this in just for fun!***_

*** insert new page in journal***

Dear Ellie, 

I know this is wrong, me writing in your journal. I promise I haven't read anything of it. You know me, you can trust me. Right? I couldn't help but notice that you left your journal on the table when you left, and I took it so nobody else would. I don't know why you and me (ok fine I know) have to go to Sauve for counseling but I'm gonna wait till you tell me. 

I heard that your dad's gone overseas. I wish I could tell you I knew how it felt but I don't. call me if you need to anytime, k ell? 

On a completely different topic, I'm thinking of asking Dylan * drool * to the dance. I'm gonna talk to Paige (after all the was the one who really introduced us) to see if he likes me. * sigh*

Well that's about it, and do you want to come see a movie with me on Friday? Apparently a lot out are supposed to be good, call me when you get this OK?

Love marco 

(naturally I don't mean this in a sexual way, cause I'm not into girls, but in a… whats the word? There's a word that means friendly- I mean that word. Friendly. Love in a friendly way.

******

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OK, so read, review, and tell me what you think… have fun. 


	6. hell hole

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Love-fool- Well, here you go. I love Ellie too and I think everybody can relate to her at times, at least 3 other people have told me that and I think that too! 

PsYcHoJo- neah. I hate that, being cut off… anyway. Hell, I'm putting sauve as crazy as the kids in my story… artistic license, no? enh… I sort of dislike other (new) characters but Jamie is actually the very nice girl who wrote me a new summary, and I needed another person in this little group therapy thing so I thought, why not? I'm sure however you decide to go with your story it'll be great whatever way you do it. plus, easter is only in *counts on fingers * 4 days so I hope I'll live- haha. 

Jamie- I'm glad you liked it. and smith was the only thing I could think of. Mind you, it didn't take a lot of thinking. And I love, love, love Marco…he'll be writing more in this chapter.

Yelak- thanks! Here's more and I hope I can make your day again. I loved your stories too. 

Cindy- I know! I need my own personal Marco too. __

Also a quick thanks to emma and goth-girl2!

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Hey Ell, missing anything?

What the hell? Why do you have my journal?? 

Read the last page.

Oh. Ok. Fine. You're sure you didn't read any of it? 

Positive.

Positive-positive? 

Like a double positive, which is a negative?

I don't know, I don't understand integers. 

Haha, I do!

Yeah, well, I don't. 

So that means I'm better than you , right?

Fine, fine. 

So guess what.

What? 

No, no, no, you have to guess!

I don't want to. 

Well you have to or I'm not telling.

Go away. 

Guess!

Paige dropped dead in the middle of the hallway. 

No.

Damn. I knew it wasn't that. Spinner is moving to the Arctic and will never be seen by humanity ever again. 

Sorry Els, wrong again.

Will you just hurry up and tell me?!? 

OK, fine. I will.

….. then tell me! 

Promise not to tell anybody?

Who would I tell that you don't know?!? 

Exactly, you would tell people that we know. And that would be embarrassing.

You make too much sense. 

Yeah, well. I'm probably going with degrassi's HOTTEST boy to the snowball.

You're taking who? 

Well, I talked to Paige, and she said Dylan was thinking of asking me!!

Congrats I guess. 

Don't be all miserable, I'm sure you'll find someone.

Oh. Ok. When my best friends are Marco-and-Dylan and Ashley-and-Craig. And nobody else really wants to talk to me cause I dress weird. 

Don't worry, we'll find you somebody.

Have fun. 

Aww now I feel bad.

No don't, it's OK. 

Sure?

Sure. 

OK well the bell's about to ring so see you later?

Yeah… bye marco I guess. 

See ya!

*** ***

La de da. I'm Marco, I'm in love with Dylan.

Fuck him. And I know I'm horrible to say that. Cause he's really, really happy with himself and the way he's become. I mean, Spinner's not really giving him a hard time and Paige is convinced that Dylan and Marco are perfect for each other. And I'm just the jealous straight-girl third wheel. Although I do truly looove Marco, I do, I guess in a way I'm jealous of Dylan. He gets my perfect, cute, sweet, adorable goofy boy while I get nobody. 

Well I guess I could just stop being bitter right about now- hah. No. I lied. I'm jealous!

OK. I'm stopping NOW. 

At lunch today- which, thank you very much I sat with Ashley- we talked about the dance. Her and Craig are writing and performing a song at the talent show thing which is the afternoon before the dance. It's called "I'll spend Christmas with you". How cute! I mean, normally I'm not one to show my support for couples and people being happy, but I really am happy for her. And Marco.

So I actually did homework today. Granted, it was just a little survey thing that Sauve wanted us to fill in about ourselves, but I wrote it all nicely (well as nicely as I could) and put it away. I was on the internet for a while, just looking up stuff for a project Caitlin gave me so I'm looking forward to this.

Oh. The phone's ringing. Gotta go answer it.

**

It's dad's officer in chief or something. He's coming home for 4 days! I can't believe my luck! He's coming home! Mom will still be fucked up until then and I guess I will too, but he's the glue that holds the strings of our family together. After Tory he has to be.

OK. I think I've come to terms enough that I can speak (or at least write) about her for now. I've denied that anything happened, and I can't any more.

When I was four and a half, my parents, thinking it would bring our family closer together and such, decided to have another child. Me, being the only child that I was, was thrilled. A little girl would be like a dolly; I could dress her up, and play with her. If it was a boy, we could play together too.

It was a long, long wait for my new baby sibling. So when I was five and Victoria May Nash came home from the hospital it was so great. My parents stayed home and I was allowed to stay home from school for the first week. She was the perfect baby sister I could have ever dreamed for. She was like my favourite doll, only so much better. The only word she ever learned in the short time she lived with us was my name. "Lellie," she would call. And we knew she could speak perfectly, cause she did, but that was the only word she ever felt like speaking. Or at least, that's what my parents told me.

I wish there was a way to tell the future. Then we could have known exactly what was coming. Exactly how much having another daughter in the family wouldn't help. We all loved her. We all loved each other. 

It's things like that that make me wonder about other people. Today in group Sean was bitching about Tracker, and how much he hates him. Everybody listened to him but nobody asked him what he'd rather have. Would he rather live with his parents? You don't know how much you have until it's gone. And I asked him what he'd rather have, once everybody told him it was OK to vent. 

"Everybody's got to let everything out here." Ms. Sauve dripped sugar, sickening sweetness that made my ears hurt. And it was literally only me who was like, "hello? Would you rather be living with some stupid drunk mother?" 

OK. I'm done venting and it's past eleven, so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep in this hell hole that's currently called the Nash residence. Good night.

Yours truly,

Ellie Nash 


	7. surprise!

Thanks to punk-anjewl, pickledxwriter, and Cindy __

PsYcHoJo- It's even more sad when you begin to believe that the fanfic characters are really people and you find yourself wondering what they would be like, and analyzing everything they say…You're right about Paige. Aww, the ones with Rick and Terri are so sad… *tear * 

x Confused Girl x (love your name, by the way…)- You'll hear more about Tory in the next chapter, I have to get a bit of Sean and Ellie interacting in this one first…ok? And yes, weird Sauve will continue to be weird…

emma- yes, suspense indeed! How else would I get you to come back and read the chapters? Lol. Lucky girl, where are you going? 

Itsonlyme- Next chapter (hopefully) you'll get the full explanation of Tory… 

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I'm officially OK. I think. Today Sauve put Marco and Jamie together, and me and Sean. Sean and I would be more grammatically correct, whatever. We were talking about our parents. He lives with his brother Tracker (at least, that's what it sounded like, although it may have been Whacker…?)

Anyway, after talking a while we could practically finish each other's sentences. It sort of scares me. But not as much as the fact that he knows it's not just my parents. 

"So what is it actually, miss Ellie Nash?"

"What is what?"

"Why are you here?"

"Um.. my parents… I guess…?"

"Bull. What's actually wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what's wrong with you? It's sort of obvious that it's not just your parents. There's another reason that you're here."

"If you that much than you must have a reason yourself."

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling unless you tell me."

God, he is such a jerk.

"I'm not telling either."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"But there is something."

"There is something, yes."

"Yes."

We just sort of sat there and looked at each other, and I followed his eyes to my bag. It's not a tiny purse like Paige carries around with her lip gloss, I have a heavy-duty big chunky thing. It has everything in it; I hate being somewhere and not having, like, a drink, or my phone, or eyeliner… or anything else. My journal, pens, pencils, pencil sharpener. 

"So what's in there?"

"Aw.. nothing."

"More like everything!"

"Yeah, well… I'm a high maintenance girl."

"High maintenance meaning requiring 5 times the makeup as Paige?"

"Well… that too."

"Ah."

So after that, I went and saw Sauve alone. She asked to see my arm. She sort of cocked her head and said, "Hmmm." Like I was an art display. At a modern art museum. "Mmm-hmm."  
"And…?" I wanted to hear what she thought of me. And my disgusting habit.

"Well. It doesn't look like it's improving."

"Yeah, well, I'm trying not to it anymore now."

"And why is that?"

"My dad's coming home."

"Oh really?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah."

"Oh, well… time's up. I have another…client."

"Bye."

After that, cause it was in the middle of a period and I didn't really feel like going to class, I just kind of sat outside in the parking lot. Thinking a lot about everything and everybody. I was almost crying. I don't cry, though. It sort of scared me. But then I had to go to class, so I left.

But the most important and most shocking part of the day was when I talked to Paige. She went on and on about healing, and she dragged me into the girls' room so she could see my arm.

"Ellie, I really am worried about you."

"Yeah, OK, _mom_."

"Not like your mom actually cares about you!" 

Ouch. She had actually gotten me there.

"Yeah, ok, whatever Paige."

"You know, a couple of years ago I helped somebody who was in the same situation as you, you know."

"Really. Fascinating."

"I think I can do this."

"Yeah, well I'm not going to be your little project in honor of the one you failed at a couple years ago." I smirked, thinking I'd got the best of her. 

But I was wrong. She looked back at me, her eyes full of laughter.

"But I did succeed."

"Oh, really."

"Yeah," she said, her eyes still smiling. "It was Dylan."

[+] – [+]

Well, I bet I surprised you there. Didn't I. __

Well, review, tell me what you think. And as well, answer these 2 questions for me, will you?

What do you think happened to Tory? 

And,

Pick one, Liberty-JT-Manny, or Ashley-Paige-Spinner. 

OK, thanks and good night!


	8. Tory

__

Itsonlyme- Thanks. That was a fun chapter to write. I promise, this chapter will be good too. At least I hope. You'll see about Tory in another, about 800 words or so… lol. May I ask how you reviewed so fast? I uploaded the chapter and, like, 4 minutes later I had a review. Very cool, but very mysterious. How'd you do that?!?

Punk-anjewl- Yeah, about Dylan, that's true. He'll show up later on, with Marco. *grins* 

PsYcHoJo- Thanks. And they will know it…soon. I've already got the whole dance-talent show-Manny-Ashley-Craig thing planned out… is that bad of me? It's going to be lots of fun. [tip- think back to Marco telling Ellie he'll find her a date] Tory is one sad story. Here's a funny thing- I was going to make Tory and Ellie twins. But then I decided that would be too mean of me. I mean, how could I do that to a fictional character? The ashley-paige-spinner or liberty-Jt-manny thing is for a story I have sort of planned out… I just need to straighten everything out and it'll be OK. I'm sticking to a-p-s; that's how I originally had it. 

As for you, I hope everything turns out OK. 

X Confused Girl x- You're welcome. And I'm not really huge on doing things the exact way they were in the show. I find it more fun. But I definitely am doing Craig-manny-ashley. 

Emma- I wanna go somewhere cool like that! But then again...it's pretty damn cool here in Canada. The whole story of Tory is in this very chapter. Have a nice day.

Jamie- I love musicals! There's one at our school but I'm not in it. It's playing on my birthday, which is pretty cool. Sort of. In a nerdy kind of way. 

*** *** ***

No, nothing's OK. Nothing at all. Don't you love going to sleep happy and waking up to horrible news? That's what happened. And Sean's right; everybody has problems. 

I woke up and mom was awake, and she told me about Dad. He's not coming back. He's never coming back.

Maybe it's my fault. It is, probably. If I hadn't told him to come home as soon as possible, maybe he wouldn't have taken that plane.

So I got dressed, and I didn't even concentrate enough on what I was putting on. Fuck. 

And you know what I did next? Not only did I forget my purse, I walked to school and went right into Sauve's office. And everything just came crashing down like waves, and now she knows everything. I feel so… I don't know. I can't describe it. 

And Sean. He's going to be a lot. I can tell, just from the subtle things he says and does that I can really get to know this guy and trust him. And it's not like when I was around Marco and had the giggles and the butterflies, it's a gut feeling that's like, "hey, I understand you." Which, I know, makes absolutely no sense, but that's the way I feel. 

I feel like laughing now. Is that normal? I'm almost absolutely sure it's not normal, but really, I'm not going to go and say outright that I'm insane. Or am I? Maybe. Maybe not. 

So when I was venting to Sauve, Sean came in. He knocked on the door, actually, and said _he_ needed some time alone with her. Crazy. She told me to sit in the outer part of her office so she could talk to Sean for a while. Like it wasn't totally obvious I could hear through. I didn't really listen, though. I sat and got lost in my thoughts.

And listened. 

Is that bad of me? 

I remember the day Tory died. There. I wrote it down. This is permanent. 

Here we go again. 

We went to the mall, but it was only me and mom and daddy. They had decided I needed some time alone with them. We left her with a babysitter. 

After we left some stores (I got a red plaid dress, a pink teddy bear, and a pair of white mary-janes) we went for ice cream. Only because I begged and begged and begged. The line was really long but since I wanted it so much, I made them get me some.

When it came time for me to tell the man what flavour I wanted, I was panic-stricken. Bubble gum or chocolate? I took a good 5 minutes deciding. (for the record, it was bubble gum). Mom started sighing and dad whispered, "Ellie really wants this," to her so she would stop sighing. 

When we came home, the babysitter was sitting on our front lawn holding Tory looking panic-stricken. Mom and dad took her somewhere, and before they left, mom said to dad, "This never would've happened if we didn't take so long getting ice cream."

They came back, and Tory never did. Later they explained that she had gone to Heaven. But if God had really loved her, why had she left? 

I was thinking about that when Sean was in Ms. Sauve's office. He came out and I was sitting on the chair, crying. Isn't that pathetic? He asked me if I was OK and then left, cause Sauve was calling me and because he had shop next. 

I wore the red dress to the funereal. It was cold and windy, so I had a black coat on top, but I wore the red dress and I could never wear it again. 

At lunch I sat with Marco. I didn't tell him about dad. Yet. I'm going to have to. I don't want to. But I have to. 

Screw this all, I'm telling him in english. 

**

I told him. Marco. I cried again. And so did he. And to prove how bad I felt, I now have three big cuts along my arm.

Dammit. 

Yours truly,

Ellie nash


	9. talking with the world

Just… before I start I want to apologize for this chapter taking so long to be done. Last Thursday was my birthday, I had some family parties I had to go to, and then I went on a camp trip with my school Monday-Wednesday… Thursday (the 13) I got a shit load of homework, Friday I was downtown, and today… I'm writing this! So… here…

Yelak- Aw, thanks… I'm not a big 2nd or 3rd person writer… this is 1st right? Whatever… this is just me, rambling…. Marco is the greatest ever. He's by far my favourite male character on degrassi. And here, either this chapter or the next, your favourite Dylan will show up.

PsYcHoJo- You gotta remember, Ellie was only around 5 when this happened… I promise sometime I'll have Ellie ask her mom for details and there will be everything written. That made sense, don't worry… deeper more Harsh, more realistic past… at least I understand…. I hope everything works out with your future husband and that he posts his stuff…

Jamie! Yes, ironic… my english teacher went on a big rant about irony, one day. It was weird. Sad, yes, he had to die… For the Last Time mentions it quite a bit. I went to the musical the day before my birthday…it was really great. Junior high musicals (meaning my school) are fun. And good.

Itsonlyme- ok, ok, secrets… I'm still glad you review every time. Congrats for remembering she's only 5 at the time and for using the big word… I commend you for that! Lol.

And also a big thanks to SmoothNcreamy for reading this- Marco and Dylan are involved, I promise! –emma- stop crying! Immediately! - and cindy!

[] []

Good day, sir. Yes, sir. No, sir, I do not. Yes. I will. OK. Goodbye.

Sauve hired a big professional counselor for the day and tons of people had to go in and see him. Strangely enough, it made me really realize how good of a counselor she, Sauve, actually is. This guy didn't really listen and just looked out the window and scribbled some stuff down on a piece of paper on a clip board.

Sean came to school today with his eyes bloodshot and shaking. He left the school during lunch and came back looking slightly better and not shaking. Hmm, wonder what he took. Hah. Sort of.

Paige and Dylan both went in, to. They came in first period together, and she looked like she was going to cry. She waved and tried to smile at me, and I did the same.

Paige has apparently told Dylan about me and all my "habits" and Dylan and I went and talked about shit forever. He did say that, though, for him, bruises were easier to blame on all the sports he did. He showed me the remains of a time he went to the hospital because there was so much blood loss. He told me about getting beat up because he was gay, about his best friend hating him, about almost getting shot.

This really made me think. How bad to I have it? I told him about everything, everything. And I can actually say between him and Sauve they know almost everything about me. He promised he wouldn't tell Paige anything but I'm not completely sure I can trust him. Whatever. I really can't put up with much more of this shit.

Marco came in looking for me cause he'd heard I was in there, and he's such a sweet boy. He always is. He asked me what happened and hugged me while I cried. Sean was there, sitting and watching with a glazed-over look.

Dylan asked Marco to the snow ball. Apparently they've been getting "close" (Marco's word, not mine) and they want me to go shopping with them for tuxes. I laughed at them and then they left.

After all the classes I went to (3 of them) I was ready to open my locker, and I did. A ripped clumsily folded piece of lined paper with "ELLIE" scrawled across it in messy boy writing fell at my feet. Intrigued, I sat down and read it. I'll copy it out here, for my reading purpose, when the paper gets to crumpled to read.

Ellie; I don't know you well but I can tell you're going through a lot of shit. So am I. I think at one time or another, every kid in this whole damn school will have a perfectly sane reason to see the counselor about something that's going on.

Shit happens to all of us. Some, more than others but we all have it.

Ellie, I understand. And I know this totally uncharacteristic of me but I need someone to talk to and Sauve just isn't cutting it for me. I've talked to you a few times but nothing major, but you seem like a friend I need.

Please, don't laugh. Don't tell Marco or Ashley, because I know they'll ridicule me. If you accept this, come to the park outside of the middle school at 4. OK?

I went, because there was nothing better to do. And you know who was sitting there, with a pack of cigarettes open looking completely forlorn and lost? I could have never guessed it.

Sean.

"Hey," he said gruffly, holding out the cigarettes. I shook my head and sat next to him in the little place in between 2 trees that he was sitting. He told me about Jay and Towerz and Alex and Emma and all his other friends, and told me not to laugh. I didn't. I told him about my parents, and about Tory. It all just came out. Everything. We stayed there for 2 hours, just sitting and talking.

Then I went to his house for pizza, met his brother, walked home. Sat with mom and looked out the window. Went to my room, listening to music, writing.

Good night.

Yours truly,

Ellie Nash


	10. friends and relatives

Once again I'm really sorry for the long wait. I know there's no excuse to keep you waiting, but I promise in about 3 weeks (read- 2-3 more chapters) everything will getting more frequent. Ok? Sorry, again, I still love you all….

Ellie fan- I love reading reviews like yours. You totally made my day, and if I wasn't busy writing a pointless essay on "The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz" I would've gotten up and written another chapter, just for you.

PsYcHoJo- ok, ok, ok, I did use a bit of idea thievery… so line me up and shoot me. A line-up of one, haha, I amuse myself….. Sweet and cute, yes, but not perfect, you know?? Congrats on your future husband posting stuff, perhaps someday I'll check it out, hahahaha. I think you got cut off here.

Punk-anjewl – that's cool that you knew it was Sean, I was trying to get his vibes in there…

Yelak- I like happy readers, indeed. Marco will always be awesome, my sister's friend knows Adamo.

Amber- sorry, sorry, sorry, again… but here's another chapter. Woo-hoo?

Emma- happy early birthday!! Awesome. I just turned 14.

Itsonlyme- hooked, eh? Don't worry, there will be at least 15 chapters in case you want to get hooked again…. grins I will continue to write, and reply to reviews, uh, in that order. I really need to get a big word for you.

SmoothNcreamy- if this makes you feel any better about this story, there will be lots of Marco and Dylan. OK?

[ ]

[]

I just wasted all (actually, almost all…) of my week with my relatives, being engulfed in the big ruffled sleeves of my grandmother and by hugged until my back cracked by my aunts and being looked weird at by my cousins. I hate all my dad's side of the family except for him. Aunt Lynn's house is small and crowded, and we went off to his funereal on the Tuesday. It was horrible. All his friends were there.

"Are you OK?''

"How are you coping?"

"Do you miss him?"

"I'm sorry."

"I known how you feel."

Assholes. How could they know how I feel? And if I'm coping? Do they really even care? Of course not. Nobody actually cares, why should I be fooled by them? The funny thing is that I'm fooling them, nobody has a clue about me, and my strange habits like locking myself in the bathroom for hours at a time, you know, the usual stuff. Hah. For once in a long time I actually wished I was at school. God, if ms. Sauve thought I was a modern art display a while ago, I wonder what I'd be now. It's so boring.

On the 3rd day I was gone I got an email from Marco. Because I have excessive paper and printer ink I'll print it off here.

_Hey Ellie… I know you're at your relatives' house and probably won't be able to email me back but whatever, I feel like emailing you. How is everything? I hope everything comes out OK, if you ever need to talk about your dad or stuff in general call me, whatever, I'll answer (that is, if I'm not on the phone with Dyl 333) Anyway…. The dance is on Saturday, 5 days now, I wish you'd been here to help us shop. Actually, come to think of it, I guess we did fine on our own. grin By the way, Sean asked where you were, he said he wanted to talk to you. He had a weird impatient look on our face, I think our Ellie is growing up and is about to have her first real boyfriend! (real meaning somebody who's straight, and, uh, not gay). Any thoughts on him in general? Haha, don't think I'm not planning anything, er, never mind…._

Spinner's been OK and not acting all weird around me, which is good. 

_Ashley's been hanging all over Craig, they're performing a song they wrote in the talent show. She's boasting to anybody who'll listen. The band itself has been doing well, we've sort of been writing a few songs. Nothing major ever presentable in public, maybe someday you should come and listen to us. You're not "public", are you? Enh, whatever._

Well, I have a killer english essay I have to work on so call me as soon as you get back, mmmk?

marco

ps don't be alarmed if Sean emails you. I gave him your address.

Sadly enough Sean didn't email me under any circumstance. Ash had, to babble about the dance. She's nice, she says Terri and Paige and Hazel and her had gone out to the Dot for dinner one night. She says next time I can come. Hah, and watch Paige stare at my arms and find a way to talk to me in private… I hope nobody told her about my dad, I know I've mentioned to her that that's the only thing keeping me here. Dammit, there I go again.

I can't keep but thinking, we've already lost half of our family, would anybody really notice if I left too? I mean, mom wouldn't.

Bad Ellie, don't think those thoughts. Oh god, I can't do it. But I'll try.

_hey Marco, I'm back, I tried calling but you weren't home. I told your mom to tell you I called, call me when you get this. You have more of a life than I do. My time at aunt's was awful, you probably wouldn't've minded it, you're really good with that whole Italian charm thing. So eloquent, so flamboyant…._

It's Saturday afternoon so I'm guessing you're out with friends. So see you later!

Ellie


	11. holiday

__

Thanks to: RelientKroxmysox721, emma, DarkSpell, Yelak,

PsyCHoJo- hey… it's been a while since either of us wrote, I can safely say. Hopefully you can get your files working, I don't know if this is any help at all but ff.net stores all your story files and you can download them again… not sure if this is what you need but thought I'd try anyways?

Amber- woo hoo all the way, man! Par-tay!

Punk-anjewl- aww, that's sad! L

Kitty Kat- awesome! Yeah, I live in Canada, but unfortunately I don't have a pet beaver or live in an ice castle. I have, however, seen all of season three, so I guess spoilers are due.

And yes, I suppose I could give up a life for all of you… summer is upon us and really, I can't stand the heat and the humidity which means more time inside secluding myself and writing.

Well… anyway… it's almost the end of school and I can't wait. Things have gotten surprisingly worse than things have been a while whatever, you're not here to listen to my rants. Another time.

Happy holidays? Things have come and gone so fast and so confusingly that I'm not even sure any more. On one hand you have Paige and Spinner and Dylan and Marco, but then you have people like Manny and Craig and sobbing Ashley and then I'm in the middle, observing. But let's start on Wednesday. I'm totally aware that I sound like a teen novel, but really I can't be bothered to change my writing style for anything stupid like peace of mind.

So I was just coming out of Sauve's office during period change, and I guess I looked kind of upset, because Marco, who was in the hall going to class, looked sympathetically at me and asked me how I was. I replied that I was okay and he gives me this big hug and looks at me strangely. "Ellie, we need to go to the Dot to talk. Meet you at your locker after school?" I shrugged, which meant it was OK. He smiles my way. God.

So at the end of the day, I'm working myself up about what he has to tell me and maybe Paige or Dylan told him about my cutting? He's my best friend. That's a big thing. A big thing.

He gets a burger, I get a milkshake, this all courtesy of our favourite dish pig Spinner. So I'm still nervous, sipping slowly on my milkshake, and he just goes,

"God Ellie, you're so skinny. And, well, you haven't brought your lunch a lot lately, Paige and I were wondering if you're OK."

Oh. My. God. Marco thinks I'm an anorexic. But come to think if it, I haven't been eating a lot lately, not on purpose. So I'm sitting there, and of course the stupidest thing to do then would be to twitch, or look down at myself, and I do both; staring wide-eyed at him while zipping up my sweatshirt and pulling down my sleeves.

"Marco, I'm fine… I'm just a little stressed. OK?" He looks at me almost wishfully. Oh my god. I took a big bite of his burger and smiled. "It's nothing, OK? You can sit and watch me eat lunch, and I'll come over for dinner, really, I'm fine."

So he actually invited me over for dinner. Every day this week. He even invited me on Christmas, but I told him I had a family thing. Yeah, that's it, the Nashes are doing something for Christmas.

On the bright side, at least he's side tracked from the real issue. He also blabbered on (cute, not annoying) about the dance coming up. I was just sort of staring to tune out when he said, "You should ask Sean. I know I, and Ash and Paige, would love you see you happy with someone." Sean? And Me? What is this world coming to that you can't have a straight guy friend and be accused of liking him?

So that was Wednesday, being accused of not eating. And liking Sean.

Thursday. Paige came up and smiled and asked me how I was doing. Holy mother-fuck. Fine. She asks me that once or twice a week. So then Ashley starts to walk up, and Paige walks away, and Ashley asks us if we're going to the dance. God, what is with everybody and this dance? Just to please everybody I'll go. Ash talks about the song she's singing with Craig in the concert. Paige and Hazel are doing a dance. [_if you've seen mean girls, imagine the jingle bell rock dance]_. And Marco's playing the accordion, I'll probably end up going and clapping and smiling and bringing them roses.

So Thursday after school, it's a semi nice day and the sun's shining and I'm totally feeling a mellow day coming on. Seeing as Caitlin has told me to take a break and be with my friends, I took a break and just sat outside, writing poems reflecting on things outside on the school steps. I watch as friends go by punching each other playfully or hurling snowballs at one another or those sweet little couples wrapped up in each others arms. And I'm sitting there, imagining to myself how everybody will take my cutting if and/or when I tell them. And I get myself to thinking that maybe they'll actually care. That maybe my cousins will find it odd. And not be OK with it.

So then all of a sudden, I see Sean and this little kid in this huge-ass fight. Sean's just giving this kid hell, punching and kicking and slamming him against the wall. The kid's crying. God. Seeing that scares the shit out of me, just seeing the way the kid was afraid of him. Afraid of Sean.

So I went home.

And Friday was the day everything all went down. Sean and I had appointments and I got to thinking that he wouldn't care if I put razor designs on my arms and pick the scabs. He'd be all, "Hey Elz, how's it hanging?" and it would be really cool.

So at the talent show it's all cool until Ashley an Craig come on. He starts to play and sing and she just, like, slaps him. And walks off. So me, being the kind friend that I am, walk backstage to see her and see Manny and Craig and Ashley fighting and apparently he cheated on her with Manny. And this all happened during the whole "I love you" "lets have sex" "no" thing which I heard a ton about.

So Paige and I went to Ash's house to sit with her while she cried, and somehow I managed to escape, emitting a strange excuse involving a pet cat and a litter box. Shivering home I ran into Sean, who just kind of said hi, and smiled at me. Which means a lot since he never really smiles at me. And I just melted. Asked him if he wanted to do anything later! "Like what?"

"I dunno, hang out and talk?" He looked almost embarrassed, but maybe that was just because Jay and co were coming, but anyway, he gave me his phone number.

The next day Marco brought me my Christmas present, a white cat and some pink hair dye with a card that says "Have fun." (I got him the movie the Breakfast Club, it's our favourite). Ash is still crying, and Sean is still on the other side of town probably drinking, and Ellie (yeah, me, I know) is going to bed now.

__

so how was that for a really long over due chapter, in your face!


	12. all for me?

"Ellie, I want you to take this."

"Wow, Miss Sauve, that's just what I wanted! A whole elastic band? Just for me? Oh golly gosh, this is so exciting!" I said in this mock happy tone.

She looked at me in this totally disapproving way and I knew what's going to happen next, I'd already planned this so she wouldn't bother me. She's going to ask me to roll up my sleeves and show me my cuts and stuff, but no, I'd outsmarted her. So proud, once again I've done the duty of lying and scheming to get my way. Classy grin.

"Let me see your arm….s." Second arm as an afterthought? Oh no, she'd never think of what I'm doing.

Grinning at her in this way I know is totally maniacal, I lift my sleeves and like magic there are no new cuts. She smiles in this happy way but gives me the elastic anyway. "Well, Ellie darling, I'm really happy you're stopping, but if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself, a couple snaps should do it."

Haha. This actually happened on Thursday, but it didn't fit in with the whole holiday drama thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that I had to tell her the truth but as anybody can imagine, it's not exactly a joyous thing to tell a complete your utmost secrets and inner thoughts, as she phrased it. But really, I'm coming out on the top. And although my legs aren't, I have bigger things to worry about than what my kids will think of me when I'm like, 30. 40.

Hah.

So I was at co-op today (Saturday) and Marco was going to come meet me and we were going to walk to his house for dinner. I'm just reaching out to the printer to get some papers, and I felt a pair of arms come around my waist to give me a big octopus hug, and almost freaked out but then I realized it was Marco. "I thought today we'd go to the Dot for dinner," he said into my ear.

And it was just then I realized how good it felt to have a caring relationship with somebody, even if he is my best friend and we're probably not going to be friends for much past grade 12. And even if he's not ever going to be interested in me "that way", cause that way we can't get into trouble.

Caitlin walked by and saw Marco and was all, "Your friend's here, you can go now, sweetie." She's so nice that way.

A person calling me sweetie or hun is a weird topic. I don't mind it if the person knows me, which Caitlin does. Cause that way I know that the person actually thinks I am a sweetie. But if it's someone like Paige, I mind, even if I know that she's just saying it cause that's what she calls everybody and I'm no different than the rest of them.

After we left, we went to my house quickly so I could change. As I came out, wearing jeans, a black turtleneck sweater and my knee high boots with my long coat over top, he casually mentioned there might me a few people there.

So of course I wasn't surprised to find Mister and Missus schmoopy pie, along with Dylan there. Great, a love fest. I can honestly say that I didn't smile during the whole dinner.

During dessert, you'd never guess who walked in. I swear I almost squealed cause I was so excited to see him, but luckily I stopped myself before I did anything that I would come to regret.

"Hi, Sean," Paige said in this total snobby obnoxious Paige way. He just nodded in her direction.

"Hey," I said, all subtle and cool. Marco squeezed my hand under the table in this really encouragingly way.

"Hi."

"Uh, you want to sit with us?" He shook his head, but asked me to come outside and talk with him.

"I know this is going to sound stupid, I just know it, but Sauve let it slip that there's an alcohol problem in your family, and I was wondering, is that why you…?"

I suddenly got what he was asking. If I was an alcoholic.

"Um… no. My mom, she's…" I choked back a sudden sob that showed up horribly, and reached my hand instinctively into my lovely bag and grabbed my blade.

"Oh, um, well, I…"

"just a sec, I have to pee really badly," I tried to giggle, and ran into the restaurant leaving my bag there. I should now explain how I keep everything in a particular place so that I can tell if anybody's been through anything. This journal's at the top in the bag.

So inside, I tried that stupid elastic thing. It's just frustrating not to see what you've been living for, so instantly I threw it out. _Don't ever drink_, I wrote along my ankle in small writing. And of course I had to sit in there for a couple of minutes while the bleeding stopped. Tears tried to escape my eyes but I blinked them in. and went back outside to sit on the ground freezing my butt off with Sean.

"I drink… a lot." He confessed almost outright and I just sort of stared stupidly, squeezing the blood out of my ankle while trying not to think of my mom, or cry. I nodded slowly, and said, "So does my mom. She's just… almost passed out all the time, my dad is.." I sniffed and all of a sudden I was just sobbing, with my legs tucked to my chest and my head down, shaking. And we had a major bonding moment there, with him hugging me slightly and me tucked into him. And when I stopped crying, I went home and wrote this, but, may I add, not before discovering that he had looked though my purse.

That bastard.


	13. Cute with out the E

Thanks **RavenS**, **felicia** and **emma.**

PsYcHoJo- twat is a funny word, I like it. Look out for it in this chapter. Marco is a sweetie, and I hope Numb isn't a done deal. UPDATE! You updated before I posted this as I was still writing so I forgive you!!!

Kitty Kat- you make me smile. Dream about it? Alice in Wonderland is kick ass. And… let's _not _get to the topic of my legs now, shall we? Um.. excuse me while I go die in a corner.

Dark Spell- that's right, you heard it here first- par-tay! Ooh, I just thought of a good line, thanks darling. Or should I say darKling?? Haha, oh I am so clever.

##

So after searching through all my stuff in my purse, I determined that nothing was gone. Insert sigh of relief here. However, there were numerous sharp things (safely pins, staples, an exacto knife I "borrowed" from art class… oh no. I am so bad.. scissors.) If he's not a moron or is fairly naïve, he won't have figured it out. However, he doesn't quite fit the innocent boy-jock-wonder stereotype, so I guess I'll just have to live with him knowing.

If I don't end up killing him first. What the fuck? Did he think he had some sort of buisness to search through my purse? Now I'm angry.

So I went to sleep, got up… no big dealie here. I actually ate breakfast today. Picked up some pop tarts at the gas station, oh gotta love nutrition.

So despite the fact that I'm still totally pissed off at Sean or maybe because of it, I was feeling majorly aggressive today. As I was getting dressed I danced around to Jack off Jill and almost felt like going all misunderstood-popstar and smashing my mirror with a weak fist. I didn't. I put on too much eyeliner and a system on a down sweatshirt, with, brace yourself, a shorty-short skirt. Naturally because it's winter I had tights on underneath, but suddenly I felt like I could face the world.

Marco gave me the twitchy eyebrows look away look back again check if this is really Ellie deal when I showed up. I looked up at him, sort of unsmiling but at the same time friendly sort of way. In my locker there was another Sean note.

I need to talk to you. Please? Come by sauves after school, I'll be there. Please? I can already see you shaking your head but don't. give me a chance.

. sean

Hmm… he's right, I was shaking my head at him. But what the hell, I couldn't have anything to lose now, could I?

He met me there as he said he would. No big surprise there, he told me we were just meeting here "So Jay and his friends wouldn't see me hanging out with you."

Ohh, the nerve of that boy. He quickly apologized, saying that he didn't mean it to come out like that. He was _just in a bad mood_. Bad mood my ass, I said. Although I can relate to saying stupid things because of bad moods. Whatever.

"Um… I'm sorry."

"For what, exactly?" maybe if I played innocent he wouldn't confess, and then I could lose my trust in him forever and block him off forever.

"Um… Ellie? Promise not to be mad?"

"Can't promise anything."

"Damn you! Can you try?"

"Perhaps."

"yesterday.. while you were in the bathroom I… uh.. went through your purse." I stared blankly at him, faking pissed off.

"What the hell, Sean? You didn't read my-"

"Your journal?" he cut me off. "Um, actually, I read the first bit… you know…"

I sighed in relief. "Just the I'm a blonde twat bit?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of?!?"

"I was going to read more."

"OK…"

"And then you came out, so I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why did you start to read my fucking journal?"

"Cause I was curious."

"Why?"

He started to change tactics, I gotta admire this guy for changing so abruptly from the blank stare no emotion voice.

"Well, who wouldn't want to find out more about a cute girl like you?" He said that in this totally swift Latin Lover voice.

"Shut up."

"No, really, that was why it was."

"Seriously, why did you read it?"

"Like I said," he said, looking into my eyes and saying this seriously, "I think you're cute and wanted to know more about you."

I stared. Gaped. Gawked. "I- you- Um…"

I looked down at my arms. He laughed at me. Oops. Madness forgotten.

"Wanna come over?"

"Who, me?" No no no Ellie, that was stupid of me. I said who, me? To a totally stupid thing, like a 11 year old girl would say to her crush.

"Sure, you. I guess. You're cute enough to be invited."

"Stop calling me cute."

"Fine. Cutie."

What the eff?

"STOP. IT. Or no Ellie will be coming over."

"Do you answer to C. Ellie?"

I followed him home anyway, cute comments forgiven. On the way home I got a doughnut and a hot chocolate from Tim Hortens. We made plans so someday go tobogganing and skating. "As long as we're not near anybody either of us know."

Hahahahaa, as if. "Hey Paige, want to come skating with me and my freak friend?"

Speaking of Paige, I should go over with her to Ashley's. Ashley left me at least 5 messages at home, all sorry pathetic things like "But I thought he loved me, Ellie!" "I hate him." Stupid girl. Stupid Craig.

Stupid everything. At Sean's we made TV dinners and had Cokes and watched a crappy shortened version of the Matrix on the space channel. It was sort of awkward, sitting on opposite ends of the couch. I don't think I've ever done that with anybody before, sat so far away. I'm sure I'll live. Somewhere through the movie Tracker came in, and when the movie left and I was going to leave Tracker told Sean to walk me home. I told him (outside) that he didn't have to.

He did, though. We were talking, and I was twirling around in my skirt, and he laughed and told me that in my next life I could be a hooker. No kidding! I stared at him. "I hate you!" even though I was smiling as I said it. "Actually, I'm gonna go to Marco's now." So we walked to Marco's, and he was all, "Bye bye, my lady," in his Latin lover tone. So I dropped in at Marco's house- bad mistake, him and Dylan were upstairs making out on his bed- then went home and emailed my lovely Aunty Fiona.

Hey Aunty Fiona, 

I've only really started thinking about this lately, and I know you will know cause dad liked you best and told you everything. What actually happened to Tori? I need to know. Email me back ASAP, please.

Ellie.

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ok now you all have to tell me if ellie and sean were too OOC....I'm not sure, I think you can be the best judges of that.

Oh, and if you haven't already, check out my pride and joy, a CrEmma..... it's called Beneficial.


	14. I just don't know what to do with myself

Dear Reviewers, let's not mince words, I love you guys!!

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Emma- it's from a really good Taking Back Sunday Song called Cute without the E (Cut from the team) that I stooole.. bad me.

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RavenS- ack sorry it took so long!

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PsYcHoJo- I have to have more Ashley in this chapter to give everybody a good view of their relationship. Personally I don't really like Ashley as of season 3, so that also might cause bias. Sorry! And for your mission, it's ok! In fact I'm glad it's not over. I think I might cry (inside) when it is.

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Dark Spell- haha now I get to call you that too, cause I feel smart and snappy when I say Darkling. I think it's weird to hear you say funny comments, cause that's just… me. Although I dare say I'm not as cool as I am here, in real life.

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LavenderAngel- Ellie is too much in like with Sean to see anything else but the cuteness. That's all I'll say for now….

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Punk-anjewl- Thanks! That's good that you're reviewing, that makes me feel happy inside.

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Felicia- thanks.

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Well before I start I'm going to warn you that I was on an obscene overdose of The White Stripes all this week (AKA brainstorming time) so… just a warning.

[] 1 [] 

From- Fnash

To- Nolabels

Subject- re: question

Oh Ellie darling, I knew this question was coming and I've spent a good part of the last ten years figuring out how I'd tell you in the end.

It wasn't your fault. I want you to know this and I'm not sure you'll believe me, but your mom blames your father. You were his favourite, daddy's little girl, and she always wanted her own little girl and that was supposed to be Tori. Because your father favored you, after her favourite daughter died, she blamed your father but took it out on you.

Ellie doll, I think you should come up and stay in my apartment for a while, I haven't seen you in a while and we could have some time together and I'd tell you the whole story. Gimme a call when you get this.

Love Aunty Fiona

Lovely, just lovely. She can tell me all the details about how my mom blames my dad and probably still wants to take it out on me, but come time to actually tell me, she flakes out and makes me go to see her. I hate people who say they'll do something but never do it in the end. I hate lies. I hate people telling me everything's going to be OK, because how do they know? How can they be sure? I'm not even sure of what I'm going to do the next day.

I feel like shit today. I have a headache and my ear hurts and I threw up. I settled myself by taking the bus to the mall and getting a big pink-with-diamonds collar for the cat Marco got me and giving her a pink stripe down her back. Oh, and cat treats. She hated when I dyed her. God, even the cat hates me. I think I would hate me too, if I wasn't attached. I feel yuck and cooped up, only it's at least minus twenty degrees and I really don't want to put on all those clothes. I think I'm going to have a nap. But that's such a waste of time, you know? I could be doing something productive, like cleaning my room, making some sort of Christmas dinner, actually buying Christmas presents for people….

Things I could get for Marco for Christmas:

hot boy collage? Knit him a sweater, if I knew how to knit Make him a bracelet Buy _him _ a cat- actually sounds good Invite over for dinner and movie Give him DVD of Queer eye for the Straight guy Write him a song a la Craig …… 

I give up. I'm having a nap.

Or not. What to do, what to do? I'm gonna call Marco. And Check my email.

Marco's mom answered, he's at the dot with some friends. Going to go meet them, perhaps Sean will be there.

I really want my nose pierced.

Things to do:

Buy cat etc for Marco- ASAP. Come over tonight? Get cat from humane society

Look for piercing studio to pierce under-16 yrs people

Get Marco to come to get something pierced, either him, or Ashley or Sean

Call/email/go see Ashley- is she ok?

Write essay for english- _My Dreams _ or _The Meaning of Life_

Go shopping. Not with Paige.

Name cat

Get a hobby

Have a nap

[] 2 []

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Oh man… that wasn't that great of a chapter and it took, like, a million years for me to update! Sooorrrrry! Forgive me? I'll write some more and post it before the end of this week. Sorry!

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	15. Eggbert and Matilda

Thanks to punk-anjewl, Jamie, itsonlyme, Kitty Kat, LavenderAngel, and RavenS.

And welcome to chapter 15.

[] 1 []

So as I was walking to the Dot, I was thinking of what I could get Marco and I got to thinking, "you know, everybody knows that he's gay. I bet he's gonna get the DVD for queer eye anyway." So I'm walking by and I see this toy store. And there was this sock monkey hanging in the window. And all of a sudden I have a flashback of having one when I was really little.

Odd.

So thinking that maybe I could make Marco one, I walk into _Legs Beautiful_, which is around the block, and buy two pair of pink-and-black striped knee socks.

All focused on my project, I've completely forgotten about the Dot and go home to work on Marco's monkey. And then I remember that hey, in grade 9 he told me that ever since he was 5 he's had an obsession with monkeys. Perfect.

So 2 hours, many pricked fingers, 2 broken needles, and one screaming fit later, I have a beautiful sock monkey boy, with two big black buttons for eyes, a small white one for the nose, and a piece of red felt for the mouth. (his name is Eggbert)

And then I get to thinking; Marco is always concerned about people being alone and lonely. And certainly Eggbert is no different. I contemplated briefly making him a boyfriend, but then I decided that was too suggestive. So I thrashed and sewed like a machine and made a girlfriend (Matilda) for Eggbert. I even sacrificed a small section of my faux-pearl necklace for her. Satisfied, I wrapped them in a red-and-green star gift bag.

And then suddenly I collapsed on my bed and was overcome by sadness. I just, like, fell over and started crying black eyeliner tears. I feel like shit even now. My eyes are red and swollen and I look like I could be partially dead for anybody who cares. I hate crying. I feel so helpless, sort of like a streaming waterfall like the sadness will never end.

I can't deal with crying. Or maybe it's that I don't want to deal. So I turned on the TV and there was Princess Diaries playing, and I wrapped myself up in a blanket in all my snowy Tuesday afternoon glory. I fell asleep at 6 and didn't wake up until 10 in the morning on Wednesday, and there were 3 new emails, all involving new years eve plans.

From- Fnash

To- Nolabels

Ellie darling, come down to see me on the afternoon of the 31st, I only want to see you for a bit and then you can go to whatever party you want for new years.

$

From whocares

To- Nolabels-

.hey jays havin big party on new years lots of space lots of fun no supervision come?

$ (oh so flattering, it's almost english!)

from baddaboom

to- Nolabels

Hey Ellie darling! We're all at Paige's right now- Me, her, Dylan, Spinner, Hazel, Jimmy…. We were just thinking about having a movie night in on new years and just watching musicals like Grease…. Interested in coming? Will call you later.

Xo marco

$

So I guess I could end up going to all three parties if I was really the social butterfly type. I think I'll skip Jay's party, as cool as Sean is Jay's not worth it (as hot as he is), you know, the trouble of getting caught with no chaperones and probably alcohol.

I called Ashley. I asked her if she was OK and she seemed really tired and sad and told me it didn't matter to her any more. But the big drama-queen sigh at the end sort of contradicted everything, and I know that she wanted me to tell her she was fun, and funny, and nice and confident and everything she wasn't, just to make her feel better. She wanted to hear that Craig didn't deserve her, she wanted to hear something to put her out of her misery.

What an attention whore. A freaking drama queen, pop star, diva, but for a minute I understood where she was coming from and decided that she was hurting inside, enough that I felt bad for her and I know what it's like to be hurt by someone you trust. So I told her all that, told her she was great and awesome and how much Craig didn't deserve her, I told her Manny was a slut and a whore and deserved nothing more than a scum bag like Craig.

I couldn't believe the impact that she said I had on her. She told me she hated him, she couldn't stand him, that she felt like killing him and Manny too.

I told her it was OK, to forget about him, to call Paige and go shopping or something. She agreed to, and she got out of bed and got dressed as I pulled Rosie, my kitten, into bed with me and took another nap. Which is weird seeing as I just slept for 20 hours and was tired again.

I really need to think of what to do my english essay on. My dreams? I could write something, maybe, like being a fashion designer or something like that. I want to call Sean. He'd know something about piercing parlors and stuff. I'll call him when I get up, because, sure, that could be my Christmas present to myself for this year.


	16. The tori story no, seriously

Thanks to:

Cheers Darling, Ale Curtis-Carter, Jamie, Dark Spell, punk-anjewl, Lavenderangel, and Kitty Kat. (psst, Kitty, the old degrassi eps are the best)

So it's been a little while since I wrote. Sense the sarcasm as I say "because I have too many social engagements", however true that is. Mom's no better, taxes aren't paid, dad's still dead, I'm still some pessimistic freak.

We're back in school. Not at the moment, however, but during school hours that's where I can be found.

Sauve asked to read my journal, and me being me, I refused. So I just had to show it to her and stuff. Talked about stuff. Bought a _Taking Back Sunday _CD on the weekend.

She got me to do this test, which, when I asked, she wouldn't tell me what it was, but when you flipped it over it had in small little photo-copied pen writing, _depression screening_. So I filled it out and she sent me off. It doesn't even seem like she gives a fuck, just that she gets paid and she's alright.

Paige's party was fun on new years', never thought I would say something like that. Ashley came even though it took severe convincing. We watched Grease and Grease 2 and sang and danced all the way through. My solo was Sandra Dee. Spinner and Paige did summer nights, and it was really actually lots of fun.

To just see Marco and Dylan sending each other these flirty looks and winks and the way, under the dinner table, you could see Dylan put his hand on Marco's thigh, and Marco's surprise, that was nice. To see even Paige and Spinner calling each other Honey Bee and Sweetie, that was nice in a sort of over blown way. Same with Hazel and Jimmy, I'm sure underneath there somewhere they aren't Paige and Spinner clones, but still, I want to see them be themselves. They so obviously should be going out with each other, the same flirty glances and looks all the couples sent each other.

It was all nice and happy except for Ashley, who was a cloud of doom, just complaining and wanting to change everything for her. After the movies, I left and went to…. Oh this may come as a surprise (sense my eyes rolling) to Jay's party.

But I'll get into that another time. Because once I write everything down it makes it forever real and that's just not great. Forever is a long time.

I remember once, when I was little, I asked my dad how long people lived. When he said, "People can live a hundred years, Ellie." And I thought it was forever. Literally. I seriously thought to myself, "I am going to live forever."

It killed me so much inside even though I was five when Tori died. When he told me that my little sister was going to heaven, something clicked inside of me and I started screaming at him because he had lied to me. My dad was a liar. People don't live till they're a hundred.

Some things happen too quickly. Craig and Manny making out when Ash was elsewhere because Craig's a stupid boy with over-working hormones. Paige walking into a school bathroom. A crash, a scream, a squeal from a 1 year old just starting to walk. Ellie Nash walking up the stairs at Jay's party.

Yeah. Fucked some things up. But first I want to write about good me, because it feels so much better to write about good things I've done than bad things. Even though there are a lot more bad things.

So before Paige's party I met Marco at the Dot to give him his monkeys. We sat there talking with constantly refilled Mountain Dews and ice cream sundaes and giggling like teenage girls and him whispering about Dylan. I love that boy, I really do, and I would be _in love_ with him if he weren't so flaming homo boy. He's adorable and he's happy with Dylan and whatnot, so I'm not going to pull jealous-Ellie and try and ruin them.

So when he went to the washroom I put his package on his chair and waited. When he came back he was like, "What's this?"

"Open it!" I almost squealed, full and almost overflowing with anticipation.

"Ellie! What the heck is this? Sock monkeys? Get a real present if you're going to bother."

And I heard my heart go ka-thump and my head on my hands and he turned around and hugged me and was like, "Fooled you, silly girl!" and whispered to me, "I love them more than my parents. But it's a secret. Between you, me, and them two." I brightened up a bit when he said this and he took my hand in a friendly way, because he must have still felt my disappointment at first. "Know I'm kidding right?" I nodded, not looking up because really, in my sensible mind of course he was kidding.

As we walked to Paige's in the snow, though, I was so preoccupied with what had happened earlier today at Aunty Fiona's apartment. It kept going over and over in my head….

'Little girl playing on street…' 

Marco was talking excitedly about Dylan now. What a boy, deserves everything he's got. Apparently everything in the band's going well, Craig's a control freak just as I suspected he would be.

_'Hit and run accident…'_

When we got there we had to go and walk to get Ash, because she was being miserable and would only come if we agreed to do this girl band thing. But she came.

_'Died 4 hours after it happened…'_

After we had our happy little party thing and we were starting to play truth or dare (gag me now, please), I left. The only other event worth mentioning was when we were playing hide and seek and Marco was it and he found Spinner and was all, "Spin! Finally I found you, out of the closet."

So. Called Sean and made the mistake of agreeing to come to Jay's party. Spiked drinks, loud music, girls wearing nothing and girls who were probably strippers, boys with hats on backwards, and Jay and Sean and, like, 50 other people.

Long story short- I fucked Sean Cameron. I mean, I wasn't myself, probably had at least a couple mind-altering things in my drink, but there he was and we were sitting and talking and Amy was there too, and we're both looking at him in this '_he's mine'_ way and suddenly I just wanted Amy to leave us alone, cute as she was with her pink zebra print tights, so I could just jump this boy.

Oh my. I haven't seen or talked to him since but hopefully I'll get a chance to redeem myself because really, I'm not some sex-crazed teenage girl. I don't think. Well. Maybe.

Hmmmm….. lots to think about lately……

Am I a sex crazed teenager?

What am I going to write my essay about?

I'm going to bed now.

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Readers; Take especial care when reading this chapter!! Note the marco/ellie interaction as well as, most importantly, the Sean/ellie interaction! And review. And do you think this needs an R rating? I don't think so… but I've been wrong before, it's happened, and yeah…. Ok? I love you all. 


	17. offend in every way

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Thanks to: kurt couper, Chickie-91, Dark Spell, MusicBabii, JeSsIkA, moirarordan, Kitty Kat and PsYcHoJo. Thanks for holding on. If you have. Because I have a life, and homework all the time. Seriously, it's been a month. Love you.

Oh and also, remember in your mind that this is the _original Ellie diary. Not to say that the rest of them are bad, but this is the original. Its weird, there's an online diary, there's a "In my own words"… ect. Anyway…._

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My Dreams and Ambitions

By Ellie Nash

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Over the course of my fifteen years on earth, I have changed and evolved. I have idolized many people, famous or not, and said to myself, more times than I can count, "I wish I could be like them."

Many times I have changed desired careers, from nurse to teacher to zoo keeper. More recently, I have found myself interested in fashion design, writing, and TV production. Thanks to my co-op job working with the esteemed Caitlin Ryan, I have prepared myself if I ever choose to indulge myself in the career ladder of TV starring.

Awwww shittt, this sucks. I can't write for the life of me. That's such a funny phrase. For the life of me. Because as it turns out, with all, like, these crazy people in this world it could end up with a live or death situation leaning on something trivial like singing.

So Ashley started some girl band thing. Again. Her and Paige and Hazel and I, because apparently we agreed to it when she agreed to come to the party, have to play songs that Ashley writes so we can be like, Lillix part two or something.

I feel like shit. It's like being pushed down over and over and fucking over again, and you can never get up and nobody ever reaches out their hand to help you. It's like pushing yourself a bottomless pit. God, I should consider replacing Ashley, the queen of doom, in writing songs. She's all, "Pain and death for this girl killed in a mine" and we're like, no, hun.

Some lady, while I was walking, called me a slut. What the fuck? I don't get old people. Like seriously, I don't understand people that are older and more mature and cooler than me.

Marco is such an asshat. I was waiting for him yesterday, because we usually have lunch together on Thursdays, but I looked over and he was sitting at the popular table, with Paige and Spinner and Dylan and Jimmy and Hazel….. Marco waved me over and was all, "Come sit with us, Ellie! We're talking about Heather's nose job!" I said I had homework. Haha. Me working on fucking homework. In the caf. At lunch time. So I sat and ate my muffin, really really slowly, and contemplated life as I counted the chocolate chips.

Craig and fucking Manny were sharing a fucking fries and a pop at lunch. Like they were off in their own little world. Like Ashley didn't mean anything to Craig. It's so weird, how he gave up on her. I used to think Craig would be the kind of guy you could fall in love with and he would sing you songs and pick you up and swing you around. It's funny how impressions are so different than what people turn out to be.

Marco and Dylan are so. Damn. Cute. Together. You know, in the sort of way a kitten and a puppy are cute. Marco is so totally in love with him, looking up at him with shining eyes the way I remember looking up at Marco.

When I was walking home, you know, the epitome of unsexy wearing a big coat and furry mittens, Jay came over and started giving me shit about messing with his group. About how they're all one or something. I don't know, I sort of listened and walked away.

Today I came home and my mom was sitting on the couch wide-awake watching TV. I flipped out, running to hug her. She looked at me sort of blankly and yelled at me to "Go get dinner, Eleanor!" And when I went to go get her a sandwich, she came in and gave me a hug and told me she loved me. What the fuck? So I made some cookies, but they were only half cooked and I didn't want to use any more power, so I ate them and the fell apart. I laughed to myself sort of silently imagining them to be my life and people that meant everything to me. Oh, there goes my dad. He'll never be back.

I exploded in a fit of maniacal laughter.


	18. Forever just got a whole lot shorter

Special shout out to Allie-Dee, PsYcHoJo, moirariodan, emma, and kurt couper.

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Walking through high school halls is a funny thing. You see all sorts of friends talking together, boyfriends, girlfriends making out, fights happening, black kids, white kids, skinny kids, Asian kids, fat kids, stupid kids, smart kids. Every kind of kid congregated. Forced together.

And then you get yourself to wondering. Who's fighting now? Who's dealing crack? Who's had their heart broken that day? And how are they coping with it? How are they coping with a science test and a history paper due at the same time? Who has a song going through their head that they're about to write? Who's spent the night fucking their girlfriend's friend? Who's cried? How many of them have known actual pain? How many of them are super overly happy and in love? How many girls are out there picking at their thighs and wondering if they're fat? How many boys wish they were better?

Sometimes I find myself desperately looking at everybody. Looking for some signs that I'm not the only one. Scanning their bodies for any possible signs of cuts, scars, burns…Seeing their bare, beautiful arms, wrists, and then this horrible ashamed and alone feeling. And my stomach sinks and I go to the drug store and hope for once I'm noticed.

I was in a session today with Sauve and we sat and talked about nothing in particular. I had just been having a shit day and Marco would have just wanted to talk to me. And ask me how I was. And demand to know what's going on with me. I don't want to have to explain everything that goes on in the life of me.

So I go to the one person who can blackmail me into telling her my secrets. The one person who can listen to me and not judge me.

My guidance counselor.

Isn't that stupid logic?

Anyway, she started telling me how I should talk to somebody other than her. How maybe I should talk to my friends, parents, support centres.

"This isn't right, Ellie. I have some numbers for you, or you could talk to Dylan again, or some support centers, if you'd like them. Maybe you should make some more friends.

I'm worried about you. How are you taking care of yourself? I hope your home's alright, you know, Ellie. You know you have problems."

Sometimes she is the most obvious snot on the planet. "Ellie, you need to try harder to stop, OK? I care about you."

I told her she doesn't care. She doesn't care. This is her job. Most people don't care about their jobs. I started yelling at her and just talking nonsense and yelling some more and then, this is the worst part, I ran off in tears.

Right into Craig.

"Hey, Ell-" was all he said before I tore off to my locker.

I don't want to do this.

I sat outside for a long time on the steps outside school just watching cars go by and wondering if somehow I could run into traffic get killed.

And I felt a pair of arms around my neck.

Sean sat down beside me, and we had a good talk about cars and co-op, Sauve and shit like that. And then he looks at me all funny and says, "I remember when my parents drank…It made me horrible."

And he looks really forcefully at my arm.

"Sean, I-"

"Jay's house. Tonight. 8. Be there."

And walks away.

Boys, huh?

How many people, do you think, have tried to kill themselves? How many people struggle to stay alive and yet some people throw their lives away like selfish whores?

I don't want to think that I'm one of those kinds of people.


	19. Things better said than done

_Thanks to ash, Cordy-Marie, Serenity-Wintirs, DarkSpell, Caralynne C, kurt couper, dreamcaster555, Invisible-Shadow, Emma under her new name, KuramaandHeie4ever, moirariordan, Allie-Dee, Jamie, emma, and PsYcHoJo. Special thanks to school as wel for giving me some time (I'm off 4 days this week) and PsYcHoJo for updating and giving me inspiration to as well.

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_

"Ellie, how are you?"

Shrug.

"How's your day been?"

Shrug.

You know, I could live my whole life not talking. Just shrugging. I can just see it now:

"Ellie, I'm your long lost twin."

Shrug.

"Ellie, will you marry me?"

Shrug.

"It's a boy!"

Shrug.

Back to real time now.

"So seriously how are you?"

"I'm fine. Yourself?"

"I'm alright. Girlfriend? Boyfriend?"

"Nobody special at the moment."

"Well, I have the greatest boyfriend. His name is Marco. He's short, Italian, has these nice eyes..."

"I've met Marco before, Dylan. I've met your sister and I've met your guidance counselor, too. Either get to the point or leave me the fuck alone."

He stopped and stared at me. He shrugged.

"Sauve wanted to know if you're cutting."

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"What do you think?"

"I think you're a sick, twisted girl who takes people who care about her for granted. I think maybe you should live a little and have fun. I also think you should stop cutting because whatever shit reason you started for wasn't worth it."

He looked so high and mighty while he was saying it. I just stood and stared up at him. Why are people so hurtful?

"Leave me alone, Dylan." And before I could start crying, I ran (as quickly as boots permit) away from him.

When I got home I laid under a blanket and watched the third hand on the clock go by. It's Friday and I'm sure everybody's gone out. Ash is probably writing some genius song, Paige is probably kissing Spinner, Craig is practicing with his band. Dylan's telling Marco what a bitch I am and how pathetic I am.

How could he say that?

I hate boys. Especially boys named Dylan, and boys named Marco.

That's it. I'm going to Sean's.

Do you ever look back on something and think that it was the stupidest, stupidest thing you've ever done?

OK, so I was getting ready to go to Jay's with Sean. And then Marco calls. He's all like "Hey, Ell." And I'm like, "Getting dressed up Marco, can't talk." He says, "Hey, Ell, we're going with Paige to get her belly button pierced."

So long story short, I grab my money, run along, and an hour later I've got this clamp over my nose, Marco is holding my hand, and this totally hot boy-piercer is bending over me, needle in hand. Marco squeezes my hand. I have a totally cool new nose stud.

And so I'm in the Michaelchucks' minivan beside Hazel and she's just staring at me. I'm riding this totally high adrenaline rush and am just talking a mile a minute about who-knows-what, and next thing you know I'm getting Dylan to pull over at Jay's house and there are all the most randomest people there and Marco kisses my cheek and I'm out the door, running full speed into this house.

After about an hour of admiring my lovely new nose, Alex takes my arm and we're inside. She sits beside me and we're drinking plastic cups of warm beer and I'm still smiling like a maniac. She says, "Let's go find the boys." I say, "Let's dance like crazy people." Amy shows up out of nowhere and says "Let's find the boys and dance like crazy people with them."

And so we walk over to this couch and Jay and Sean are sitting there drinking and laughing. Sean says, "Hey, Alex…Ellie…Amy. Come sit down." So I'm thinking that he wants us to come sit beside him, so I sit beside him. And I'm watching them. Right there. Knowing that I, Ellie Nash, have the hots for Sean Cameron. Amy sits down on his lap, straddling him, facing him, giggling at him.

Alex sits down and pulls a cigarette out of nowhere and she and Jay are sharing a smoke and Amy is like all over Sean, who, I might add, doesn't seem to objecting. And I get up to leave. Cause this obviously isn't working.

I'm out the door and scratching my arms like some madwoman when Sean runs up to me and just sits and gasps.

"Why are you leaving now? Am I really that boring?" I can't think because he's looking at me. He's drilling holes into my head with his eyes. He's looking at me like I'm the weirdest person in the world, leaving a party, just standing there.

"Your nose is pierced." I nod. I look down. Why the hell is my skirt so short? Whatever convinced me to buy it, anyway? I look like a slut. I feel like a slut. I watch Amy act slutty and then wish I was getting that attention.

"Ellie, I was wondering… What… Do you… Uh, never mind, k?" I stare at him. He stares at me. There is all this tension there and as miserable as I am right now thinking about it, I just reached over. I, Ellie Nash, just reached over and grabbed Sean and pulled him up to me and kissed him. Like a slut. Like a slut I kissed him.

There are some things that happen that aren't supposed to happen. Things that happen like MeAndSean, things like Marco being gay, nose piercings, having too much fun with scissors, kissing.

I cross the line sometimes from doing cool things to doing downright weird things.

* * *

OK! There we go. Jamie, you _will _be in the next chapter. I have it all planned out mmk? Sorry it took a million years to update, I have school, exams, volunteer hours, friends, pets. Sorry kids. I'll try to update once before march break and one during then. Review? 


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